MONDAY July 18th
Ted Nugent
Rock N’ Roll madman and fellow draft dodger Ted Nugent will kick off the convention by playing the National Anthem on a semi-automatic AR-15 and different caliber pistols. Delegates are reminded to wear body armor.
John Miller
Donald Trump’s longtime publicist will speak about Mr. Trump’s many achievements, including banging Miss Taiwan, owning a 300 foot yacht, and siring the world’s most sexy daughter. Mr. Miller will also speak about the new public relations program at Trump University. Delegates are reminded to bring their checkbooks and/or major credit cards.
Ivanka Trump
Daughter of Donald Trump, Ivanka Trump, wearing a low-cut black cocktail dress will reassure the crowd that her father “really is a good guy.” She will also speak about the new modeling program at Trump University. Delegates are reminded to bring their checkbooks and/or major credit cards.
Scott Walker
Governor Scott Walker will conclude Monday evening with the ceremonial lighting of the Cuyahoga River, speaking briefly about eliminating the EPA, and then releasing the delegates to patronize local strip clubs.
TUESDAY July 19th
Clint Eastwood
Hollywood conservative and every Republican’s idea of what an American should look like, will interview a toaster, accusing it of being an unauthorized server. Mr. Eastwood will also speak about the new acting program at Trump University. Delegates are reminded to bring their checkbooks and/or major credit cards.
Joan Miller
Astrologer of the stars, Joan Miller, will regale the crowd with Utopian images of a Trump Presidency, Ms. Miller’s look into the future will highlight Trump’s accomplishments, including the Mexican border wall, the elimination of all taxes and regulations, and the deportation of all non-white people from the country. Ms. Miller will also speak about the new astrology program at Trump University. Delegates are reminded to bring their checkbooks and/or major credit cards.
Donald Trump Jr.
Don Jr. will reassure the crowd that his father “really is a good guy.” He will also talk about how you can get in on the ground floor of "Trump Wines, LLC." Delegates are reminded to bring their checkbooks and/or major credit cards.
Sarah Palin
Former Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin will fill time by ranting nonsensically in rhyme about things that will only be deciphered later by pundits trying to fill the 24 hour news cycle. Delegates are reminded to bring a flask or some sort of mind altering drug.
WEDNESDAY July 20th
Gary Busey
C-list celebrity, Gary Busey will speak on how he was able to save himself from bankruptcy by buying a “Trump Steak” franchise, and how you could too! Delegates are reminded to bring their checkbooks and/or major credit cards.
Eric Trump
Eric Trump will reassure the crowd that his father “really is a good guy.” He will also talk about how you can get in on the ground floor of "Trump Sparkling Water, LLC." Delegates are reminded to bring their checkbooks and/or major credit cards.
Bobby Knight
Disgraced former Indiana head coach Bobby Knight will speak on how insanity can be your best leadership asset. He will also speak about the new basketball program at Trump University. Delegates are reminded to bring their checkbooks and/or major credit cards.
THURSDAY July 21th
'Honest' Abe Miller
Donald Trump’s running mate will be introduced to talk about the Trump/Miller ticket. Mr. Miller’s policy platform is expected to be very similar to Mr. Trump’s. Mr. Miller’s speech will be accompanied by a slide show of racist internet memes. Mr. Miller will then leave the building, because as a matter of security, the President and Vice-President can never be in the same place at the same time.
Malania Trump
Mrs. Trump will speak about why she does not want to be involved.
Donald Trump
The convention will conclude with the coronation of Mr. Trump. In the midst of a balloon drop such as the world has never seen, Governor Chris Christie will place a solid gold crown upon Mr. Trump's head, pronouncing him the official nominee. At this point, members of the "Trump VIP Club™" ( delegates are reminded to bring their checkbooks and/or major credit cards ) will be allowed to pay homage to nominee Trump and have a selfie taken with him (photo packages start at $199.99.) The convention will then be concluded with a prayer from Jerry Farwell, Jr. and the delegates will be released to riot and patronize local strip clubs.
