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Just weeks after replacing most of the board of The Kennedy Center and having himself made Chairman of the Board, President Trump announced that the center will be reopened as a gentleman’s club. This comes after the refusal of most reputable acts to perform there after Trump’s takeover.
Speaking to reporters, President Trump said, “This is going to be the classiest and hugest strip club you’ve ever seen. And the girls—wait till you see the girls. The most beautiful in the world. Russian girls too, they’re the best—you can trust me on that—I know Russian girls. Putin has already agreed to send me dozens of his best.” When asked by a reporter, “how much will this all cost the taxpayers”, Trump responded, “are you kidding me, what a stupid question, the cover charges alone will pay it off in no time. If that doesn’t work, Muskie (that’s what I call him, Muskie), Muskie will kick a few more deadbeats off Medicaid…security, get this idiot reporter out of here, and she’s not to be let back.”
When Chuck Schumer (D – NY) was asked about the propriety of the action, he responded, “I’m not really sure he has the authority to make such a move without Congressional approval, but you can rest assured, I’m going to have my staff send out a strongly worded message to The White House.”
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NEW YORK — MSNBC today announced that they will rebranding their popular morning show, "morning joe", to "morning trump". Vice-president of programming, Arnold Putz said, "The new name will more accurately represent to our viewers the content of the show. The show's format will more or less stay the same — 100% coverage of Donald Trump — only now, Mika will be gagged to prevent her from blurting out stuff about that old jewish guy. What's his name? Flanders?"
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Complaining that the NFL's efforts to protect its players has made the sport boring and unsuitable for satisfying the blood lust of Americans, he has promised to bring back Gladiator battles if elected. Trump promised, "The NFL has gone soft like America. In view of The White House, I will build the greatest colosseum the world has ever seen, and on those sands I will provide our once great country with the God given blood sports they deserve."
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In a remarkable upset, the Geico Peter Pan commercial swept almost all the major awards at the Golden Globes, including "Best Picture". Thomas Barbusca, took "Best Actor", for his starring role as Peter Pan. Alan Brooks and Betsy Baker took "Best Supporting Actor and Actress" for their respective roles as Phil and Jo Ann. Only Brie Larson was able to break Peter Pan's stranglehold on the awards by winning "Best Actress" for Room. Geico's Peter Pan also won, "Best Director, Best Adaptation of a Screenplay, Best Song, and Best Cinematography."
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In what would seem early even in the crazy world of cable news, CNN announced today that they have called the Democratic primary race for Hillary Clinton. This is somewhat surprising since the Democratic convention is still over six months away and not a single vote has been cast.
In off-air comments, anchor Wolf Blitzer said, “In this dog eat dog news world, you have to be bold to beat the competition, and let’s face it — we’ve had Clinton as the de facto winner for over three years now; we’d look pretty silly if she wasn’t declared the winner. I wanted to call it after Biden dropped out.”