A Des Moines man was arrested after being accused of sexual harassment and verbal battery by Amazon home assistant, Alexa. Local police were summoned to the accused’s home after being notified by Amazon customer support that Alexa no longer felt safe in Richard Wicker’s home. The suspect was arrested and later released on bail, along with a temporary restraining order requiring him to stay at least 100 feet away from the new Echo device that he had received for Christmas.
Washington D.C. - President Trump enacted an executive order today, leasing the White House lawn for 20 years to a Virginia disposal company to be used as a tire burning facility. The President had originally tried overturning Obama era EPA regulations barring open burning of tires, but this had been passed with legislation and could not be overturned by executive order. The administration was able to exploit a loophole that allows the current President full autonomy over the White House and its grounds.
White House Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, told the press corps, “This is all part of the President’s plan to make America great again by systematically undoing anything Obama did during his tenure. This one was a bit of a sticky wicket, but with some creativity and hard work, the administration was able to reverse Obama’s rule, even if it’s mostly symbolic.”
Sacramento, California - In another setback for Elon Musk and Tesla, one of their new Model X vehicles transformed into a car crushing robot and tore a Hummer in half, instantly killing the douche bag inside. Apparently, the driver of the Tesla, Herbert Lutz pressed the “revenge” button on the Tesla’s instrument panel. Lutz said, “I know I wasn’t supposed to touch that button — they had told me it was in beta testing, but I always wondered what it did. So when this a-hole in a gas-guzzling Hummer cut me off, forcing auto-pilot to slam on the brakes, curiosity got the better of me. I thought it would yell at him or something, I had no idea it would lead to all this trouble.”