Handy Dan - Home Repair Tutorials for Millennials

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New York - A new poll from Monolith Polling suggests that despite Sanders’ endorsement of Clinton, Sanders’ supporters have moved on to the “next big thing”, and she will get very little help from them in November. 

Only 1% of those 35 or younger, identifying themselves as “Sanders’ supporters”, said they would vote for Clinton in November. 95% of them said they would not vote at all and would instead be playing Pokémon GO. 


MSNBC's 'Morning Joe' to be Rebranded as 'Morning Trump'

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NEW YORK — MSNBC today announced that they will rebranding their popular morning show, "morning joe", to "morning trump". Vice-president of programming, Arnold Putz said, "The new name will more accurately represent to our viewers the content of the show. The show's format will more or less stay the same — 100% coverage of Donald Trump — only now, Mika will be gagged to prevent her from blurting out stuff about that old jewish guy. What's his name? Flanders?"


New Ken Doll Introduced to Accompany New "Realistically" Bodied Barbies

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Featuring a realistically proportioned body, including a healthy beer gut, moobs, and realistic receding hairline, you won't have to worry about damaging your son's fragile ego by giving him an unrealistic body image.

But don't worry! "Real" Ken still has his manly swagger. He's still brimming with self-confidence, even with his realistic proportions. And of course, he'll still only date "original" Barbie. Sorry "real" Barbie...nice try!

Beach Ken, comes with an authentic "grape smuggling" swimsuit that isn't afraid to show off his realistically sized "assets" (same as "original" Ken's.)

And don't worry, Ken can still drive to the beach in your old Barbie Corvette (booster seat sold separately.)


Geico's "Peter Pan" Sweeps Golden Globe Awards

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In a remarkable upset, the Geico Peter Pan commercial swept almost all the major awards at the Golden Globes, including "Best Picture". Thomas Barbusca, took "Best Actor", for his starring role as Peter Pan.  Alan Brooks and Betsy Baker took "Best Supporting Actor and Actress" for their respective roles as Phil and Jo Ann.  Only Brie Larson was able to break Peter Pan's stranglehold on the awards by winning "Best Actress" for Room. Geico's Peter Pan also won, "Best Director, Best Adaptation of a Screenplay, Best Song, and Best Cinematography."

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In what seems more like an extended book tour than a Presidential campaign, and on the heels of the release of his wife, Candy Carson's book, the Carson's pet dog Milo today released a book of his own. Carson has already sold hundreds of thousands of books on his campaign and was shilling Milo's on the campaign trail in Iowa today.

The book, Pugnacious, details the story of the dog's life, starting as an angry and unruly young puppy coming of age under the sage tutelage of owner and master, Ben Carson. Milo's exploits as a young pup are chronicled in sometimes shocking detail, with stories of defecating on family rugs and tearing furniture to shreds. Later, under the watchful eye of a kind and Christian Ben Carson, Milo becomes a model citizen and cherished family pet.


Trumpy Bear is Hottest Toy for Christmas 2015

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Conservatives Celebrate Victory After Neil Cavuto Trounces Toddler in On-air Debate

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In an awkward on-air debate this past Thursday, Fox Business Network anchor Neil Cavuto destroyed 2 ¾ year old Tanisha Jones of the Million Student March over issues ranging from a $15 minimum wage to free public education. Jones kept up for a while, but wilted under the barrage of "but who's going to pay for it?" questions from a smug Cavuto, finally having to leave after 8 minutes with a poopy diaper.

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  1. Build a fort with the couch cushions.

  2. Scrapbook with his mom.

  3. Binge watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Supergirl.

  4. Paint a better picture of himself taking a bath than the one by his stupid  brother George.

  5. Work on his "Veto Corleone" impression.

  6. Build a Donald Trump piñata.

  7. Finally finish the first Harry Potter book.

  8. Have a sleepover at Mom and Dad’s house.

  9. Find out what this Facebook is all about.

  10. Make prank calls to Trump Towers.