President Trump has barricaded himself in the Oval Office and refuses to come out, after DOGE fired his entire Secret Service Detail. Apparently, one of Elon Musk’s child laborers was combing through expense entries in the early hours of Monday morning and flagged the entire detail for termination.
Elon Musk responded this morning, “It was an honest mistake. He found an outrageously expensive line-item for ‘Pumpkin Head security’ and assumed it was clearly fraud. It turns out, ‘Pumpkin Head’ is the Secret Service’s code name for the President. We’re working diligently to hire them all back, but we had previously fired the entire Human Resources Department, and it may take up to a week or more.”
We were able to interview one of the fired agents who wished to remain anonymous, who said, “I was stunned when I woke up to find an email telling me that I was terminated and to turn in my gun and badge by 9am. I kind of assumed it was because of the incident where Pumpkin Head, umm, I mean the president, was shot in the ear (the agent used air-quotes to emphasize ‘shot in the ear’). After hearing it was a mistake, I tried to go back to work, but I was told I had to wait for the proper paperwork to go through.”
Lindsey Graham (Senator SC - R) said, "My stars, this is truly outrageous, if anything were to happen to Dear Leader, I would quite literally turn into a puddle. I'm not sure why DOGE would have access to such sensitive files, but I must say, that Elon hands out money like he's drunker than Cooter Brown, so he deserves a certain amount of leeway."
Meanwhile, President Trump has locked himself in the Oval Office, is hiding under his desk, and refuses to come out. He has only unlocked the door once, to let a DoorDash delivery man in to deliver three McDonald’s Happy Meals.