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Making good on his promise of a new healthcare plan to replace Obamacare, today President Trump released details of his own plan, featuring a "miracle" cure-all elixir.
Under the new plan, people will no longer be covered by government subsidized insurance or expanded medicare, but will be able to buy bottles of Rube-i-tussin™ Freedom-Care elixir for a deeply discounted price of $999.99 a bottle. In a press conference, President Trump claimed, "The new elixir will do everything Obamacare did and much, much more!" the president went on to say, "Why don't take my word for it folks, step right up and see for yourself. It cures Arrhythmia, cancer, Kung-flu, smallpox, gunshots, gingivitis, lumbago, atheism, tonsillitis, liberal bias, malaria, ulcers, diarrhea, toothaches, Islam, fallen arches, herpes, homosexuality, lymphoma, boils, constipation, nearsightedness, farsightedness, hangnails, broken bones, colitis...why folks I could go on all night, but it's time to get the government out of your doctor's office and fix all that ails you with a nice fresh bottle of Rube-i-tussin™ (now with bleach.)"
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In a press conference today, Donald Trump unveiled the design for the wall he plans to build on the Mexican border. He announced, "This will be the greatest wall in the history of the universe. This wall will let the world know that we will not be kicked around any more. I will make America great again. If you elect me, I will build this wall and keep you safe from rapists, drug addicts, murderers and terrorists."
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During a campaign event in Charleston, SC today, Donald Trump promised, if elected, he would provide a luxury penthouse to all white families. His speech started with his normal fare, promising to build a giant wall along our southern border and have Mexico pay for it, deporting 10 million illegal immigrants, bombing ISIS to kingdom come and taking and keeping their oil, and barring all Muslims from entering the country. At this point, Trump seemed to sense a lack of excitement in the crowd and quickly transitioned to outlining his new housing plan:
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Presidential Candidate Bernie Sanders today unveiled his “evil weather changing plot” that he will unleash on the earth should he lose the Democratic primary.
Suggesting that he’s been treated less than fairly by the DNC, with minimal debates and with those debates strategically placed during low viewership times, Sanders has vowed to wreak havoc on the world if he loses, unless the United Nations pays him “ONE MILLION DOLLARS”.
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In an attempt to appeal to the far right, Marco Rubio’s stance on immigration has evolved once again. While campaigning at St. Anselm College in New Hampshire, Rubio hinted that he would be open to deporting ‘dreamers’.
When questioned further by reporters about why he would be against a path to citizenship considering that both his parents were immigrants, he doubled-down stating, “Even though my parents are US citizens, I wouldn’t be against deporting them as well, really I think anyone caught speaking Spanish should be deported. If you’re going to be in the US, you should speak our language -- English. Asked if that policy wouldn’t also affect him, Rubio said, “I guess so, if I’m elected, I’ll have myself deported immediately.”