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The Clinton campaign announced a major rebranding after Hillary's devastating loss in New Hampshire. The Clinton campaign is now going to re-focus on the youth vote and her perceived strength with African-American voters. After adopting all of Sanders' policy positions as her own without results, the campaign has opted for more drastic measures.
The campaign has brought on rap producer Jerome "Biggie" Grimes to help work on Clinton's image. Gone are the pant suits, replaced by an entire new "youthful" look, including hip clothes, tattoos and dreadlocked hair. Clinton has worked tirelessly with image coaches to hone her new image. Clinton campaign rallies now exude a whole new vibe, including opening them to the sounds of Nas' rap anthem, "Hate Me Now".
When asked about the new image, Clinton remarked, "Hey dude, call me "Hills". If the kids don't dig me, that's cool, I still gots (sic) their backs. We're gonna connects (sic) with my brothers and sisters more on that Facebookie thingy and other fashizzle. I thinks (sic) once they gets (sic) to knows (sic) me, they's (sic) gonna like me better than that square, Sanders."
Early response to the new tone of the campaign has been guarded. At a campaign event this morning in Greenville, SC., the crowd stared in stunned disbelief as "Hills" concluded her stump speech with a mic drop echoing through the otherwise silent gymnasium.
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Making good on his promise of a new healthcare plan to replace Obamacare, today President Trump released details of his own plan, featuring a "miracle" cure-all elixir.
Under the new plan, people will no longer be covered by government subsidized insurance or expanded medicare, but will be able to buy bottles of Rube-i-tussin™ Freedom-Care elixir for a deeply discounted price of $999.99 a bottle. In a press conference, President Trump claimed, "The new elixir will do everything Obamacare did and much, much more!" the president went on to say, "Why don't take my word for it folks, step right up and see for yourself. It cures Arrhythmia, cancer, Kung-flu, smallpox, gunshots, gingivitis, lumbago, atheism, tonsillitis, liberal bias, malaria, ulcers, diarrhea, toothaches, Islam, fallen arches, herpes, homosexuality, lymphoma, boils, constipation, nearsightedness, farsightedness, hangnails, broken bones, colitis...why folks I could go on all night, but it's time to get the government out of your doctor's office and fix all that ails you with a nice fresh bottle of Rube-i-tussin™ (now with bleach.)"
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In a press conference today, Donald Trump unveiled the design for the wall he plans to build on the Mexican border. He announced, "This will be the greatest wall in the history of the universe. This wall will let the world know that we will not be kicked around any more. I will make America great again. If you elect me, I will build this wall and keep you safe from rapists, drug addicts, murderers and terrorists."
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During a campaign event in Charleston, SC today, Donald Trump promised, if elected, he would provide a luxury penthouse to all white families. His speech started with his normal fare, promising to build a giant wall along our southern border and have Mexico pay for it, deporting 10 million illegal immigrants, bombing ISIS to kingdom come and taking and keeping their oil, and barring all Muslims from entering the country. At this point, Trump seemed to sense a lack of excitement in the crowd and quickly transitioned to outlining his new housing plan:
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Presidential Candidate Bernie Sanders today unveiled his “evil weather changing plot” that he will unleash on the earth should he lose the Democratic primary.
Suggesting that he’s been treated less than fairly by the DNC, with minimal debates and with those debates strategically placed during low viewership times, Sanders has vowed to wreak havoc on the world if he loses, unless the United Nations pays him “ONE MILLION DOLLARS”.