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President Trump has barricaded himself in the Oval Office and refuses to come out, after DOGE fired his entire Secret Service Detail. Apparently, one of Elon Musk’s child laborers was combing through expense entries in the early hours of Monday morning and flagged the entire detail for termination.
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White House officials claim to have been tricked by the Russians after allowing KGB surveillance specialists into the oval office during a meeting with President Donald Trump and Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov and Russian Ambassador to the US Sergey Kislyak. White House spokesman, Harvey Liesaton, said, “They told us they were Foreign Minister Lavrov’s ‘personal cable guys’, so we really didn’t think anything of it. If they had been honest and told us they were KGB, we may not have let them in there.”
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Washington, D.C. - On the heels of electing the first black president, the United States has knocked down another barrier by electing the world’s first internet troll, Donald J. Trump, to head of state. Della Katflour, spokesperson for the ACLU said, “This is a great day for what has been a long stigmatized element of our society. I think we will see internet trolls everywhere coming out of the darkness of their parent’s basements and proudly tweeting in the light of day.”
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President-elect Trump has decided to auction off his remaining cabinet positions and ambassadorships on eBay to raise money for the Trump Foundation. Eric Trump, who is a real whiz with eBay, loaded all the 420 remaining positions on eBay for his Dad. Bidding has been brisk, with the Tahitian ambassadorship holding the highest bid so far at $899,000.00.
Trump spokesperson, Anita Borshun, said, “Mr. Trump has grown bored with the whole process, and he’s already given positions to all his major donors that wanted one, so now he figures why not raise some quick cash. He had no idea there were so many cushy jobs to give away.”
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President-elect Trump announced today, that once in office, his first act will be to pass an executive order officially replacing the period with the exclamation mark as the grammatically correct way to end all sentences. Much of President-elect Trump's time lately has been increasingly devoted to Twitter wars with "grammar Nazis" who have criticized him for the overuse of exclamation marks.
Trump told reporters, "Periods are for low-energy people! I'm not going to spend my presidency arguing about punctuation! I graduated magma comma laundry (sic) from Wharton, I don't need some loser English professor from Bumfuck State University making $40k a year telling me what punctuation marks to use!"