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Trump's Chief of Staff, Mick Mulvaney, announced today that all world leaders attending next June's G7 meeting at Doral will be upgraded to an Ambassador suite at no cost, by simply attending a 45 minute timeshare presentation. Mulvaney went on to say, "Clearly, President Trump is not going to receive any monetary gain by hosting the G7 conference. These upgrades are worth $300 a night, and the attendees will be getting them for free. President Trump will probably lose money because of his immense generosity." When asked if the mandatory attendance of the presentation constituted quid pro quo, Mulvaney responded, "of course it does, this is how we always operate." Mulvaney later walked back this statement, saying he thought "quid pro quo" was Latin for "absolutely free."
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A Des Moines man was arrested after being accused of sexual harassment and verbal battery by Amazon home assistant, Alexa. Local police were summoned to the accused’s home after being notified by Amazon customer support that Alexa no longer felt safe in Richard Wicker’s home. The suspect was arrested and later released on bail, along with a temporary restraining order requiring him to stay at least 100 feet away from the new Echo device that he had received for Christmas.
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Washington D.C. - President Trump enacted an executive order today, leasing the White House lawn for 20 years to a Virginia disposal company to be used as a tire burning facility. The President had originally tried overturning Obama era EPA regulations barring open burning of tires, but this had been passed with legislation and could not be overturned by executive order. The administration was able to exploit a loophole that allows the current President full autonomy over the White House and its grounds.
White House Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, told the press corps, “This is all part of the President’s plan to make America great again by systematically undoing anything Obama did during his tenure. This one was a bit of a sticky wicket, but with some creativity and hard work, the administration was able to reverse Obama’s rule, even if it’s mostly symbolic.”
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WASHINGTON ― What was thought to be an easy win for Senate Republicans came unglued when Senate bill S.780 came to the floor. The bill simply proposed Republican Senators would be thrown a self-congratulatory beer party in the Rose Garden for passing the bill itself (featuring Bud Light™.) Senate Majority Leader McConnell was confident he had the votes to pass the bill when he brought it to the floor. That’s when the trouble began. Sen. Porkson (R - CO) proposed a last minute amendment to the bill, making Coors Light™ the featured beverage. This garnered an immediate response from Sen. Bromski (R - WI) who claimed the featured beverage should be Old Milwaukee™, saying, “it made Milwaukee famous for Christ sake!.” After being censured for taking the Lord’s name in vain, pushing and shoving ensued.
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New York, NY -- GOP candidate Donald Trump was admitted to Saint Joseph’s Hospital in Queens today after what he claimed was “a vicious attack” by Muslim Gold Star father, Khizr Khan at the Democratic National Convention. In an unprovoked onslaught, Mr. Khan suggested Trump may have not read the Constitution and had made no sacrifices for the country. Trump spokeswoman Kathrine Pieface said, “Mr. Trump tried to keep up a brave face for a while, but finally succumbed to the aftereffects of the attack and was admitted to the hospital today.”