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The White House press secretary today announced a new product in the long line of merchandise the President has been selling his adoring fans—a Donald J. Trump 24k gold gasoline powered smart phone, which his Green-New-Deal-hating followers are sure to love. No more wasting time charging, worrying about the power going out, or windmills killing whales for electricity. Don’t worry, the phone only gets 2 HPG (hours per gallon), so you will be frequently showing off your patriotism, as you use the mini gas can (included FREE) to fill your phone with 100% grade-A US gasoline. Burn baby, burn!
The new phone will be available for only $1,999.99* at whitehouse.gov, which Elon Musk has moved to the Shopify platform for the President, enabling the online sales of all his merchandise. Don’t forget to get your Trump gold sneakers to complete your look!
*A 20% surcharge will be added to account for the new import tariff, as with all Trump merchandise, it is made in China.
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Sacramento, California - In another setback for Elon Musk and Tesla, one of their new Model X vehicles transformed into a car crushing robot and tore a Hummer in half, instantly killing the douche bag inside. Apparently, the driver of the Tesla, Herbert Lutz pressed the “revenge” button on the Tesla’s instrument panel. Lutz said, “I know I wasn’t supposed to touch that button — they had told me it was in beta testing, but I always wondered what it did. So when this a-hole in a gas-guzzling Hummer cut me off, forcing auto-pilot to slam on the brakes, curiosity got the better of me. I thought it would yell at him or something, I had no idea it would lead to all this trouble.”
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Featuring a realistically proportioned body, including a healthy beer gut, moobs, and realistic receding hairline, you won't have to worry about damaging your son's fragile ego by giving him an unrealistic body image.
But don't worry! "Real" Ken still has his manly swagger. He's still brimming with self-confidence, even with his realistic proportions. And of course, he'll still only date "original" Barbie. Sorry "real" Barbie...nice try!
Beach Ken, comes with an authentic "grape smuggling" swimsuit that isn't afraid to show off his realistically sized "assets" (same as "original" Ken's.)
And don't worry, Ken can still drive to the beach in your old Barbie Corvette (booster seat sold separately.)
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Rhett Jeppson, Director of the U.S. Mint, today announced that Caitlyn Jenner will grace the new $10 bill to be released in 2017. There had been talk for sometime about the bill being replaced with a bill featuring a woman. The Mint ran a contest on its website, allowing U.S. citizens to cast votes for a woman to be featured on the new bill. Over 2.2 million people voted, and Jenner won by a slim margin over Beyoncé (full voting results below.)
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In what seems more like an extended book tour than a Presidential campaign, and on the heels of the release of his wife, Candy Carson's book, the Carson's pet dog Milo today released a book of his own. Carson has already sold hundreds of thousands of books during the campaign and was shilling Milo's on the campaign trail in Iowa today.
The book, Pugnacious, details the story of the dog's life, starting as an angry and unruly young puppy coming of age under the sage tutelage of owner and master, Ben Carson. Milo's exploits as a young pup are chronicled in sometimes shocking detail, with stories of defecating on family rugs and tearing furniture to shreds. Later, under the watchful eye of a kind and Christian Ben Carson, Milo becomes a model citizen and cherished family pet.