Columbus, Ohio - Lawyers for the terrorist group ISIS today filed suit in federal district court alleging the the RNC platform committee lifted much of the Republican platform directly from their website. ISIS lawyer, Haider Salami said, “We understand the anti-gay rhetoric, that’s ‘hate-group 101’, we all use that, but the document on a whole so closely mimics our platform, that it’s almost inconceivable that they didn’t copy it directly from our web site. And it states clearly at the bottom of our site, ‘All material copyright © ISIS 2016’. This is a clear violation of international copyright law.” 

Making good on his promise of a new healthcare plan to replace Obamacare, today President Trump released details of his own plan, featuring a "miracle" cure-all elixir.

Under the new plan, people will no longer be covered by government subsidized insurance or expanded medicare, but will be able to buy bottles of Rube-i-tussin™ Freedom-Care elixir for a deeply discounted price of $999.99 a bottle. In a press conference, President Trump claimed, "The new elixir will do everything Obamacare did and much, much more!" the president went on to say, "Why don't take my word for it folks, step right up and see for yourself. It cures Arrhythmia, cancer, Kung-flu, smallpox, gunshots, gingivitis, lumbago, atheism, tonsillitis, liberal bias, malaria, ulcers, diarrhea, toothaches, Islam, fallen arches, herpes, homosexuality, lymphoma, boils, constipation, nearsightedness, farsightedness, hangnails, broken bones, colitis...why folks I could go on all night, but it's time to get the government out of your doctor's office and fix all that ails you with a nice fresh bottle of Rube-i-tussin™ (now with bleach.)"