Washington D.C. - President Trump enacted an executive order today, leasing the White House lawn for 20 years to a Virginia disposal company to be used as a tire burning facility. The President had originally tried overturning Obama era EPA regulations barring open burning of tires, but this had been passed with legislation and could not be overturned by executive order. The administration was able to exploit a loophole that allows the current President full autonomy over the White House and its grounds.

White House Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, told the press corps, “This is all part of the President’s plan to make America great again by systematically undoing anything Obama did during his tenure. This one was a bit of a sticky wicket, but with some creativity and hard work, the administration was able to reverse Obama’s rule, even if it’s mostly symbolic.”

WASHINGTON ― What was thought to be an easy win for Senate Republicans came unglued when Senate bill S.780 came to the floor. The bill simply proposed Republican Senators would be thrown a self-congratulatory beer party in the Rose Garden for passing the bill itself (featuring Bud Light™.) Senate Majority Leader McConnell was confident he had the votes to pass the bill when he brought it to the floor. That’s when the trouble began. Sen. Porkson (R - CO) proposed a last minute amendment to the bill, making Coors Light™ the featured beverage. This garnered an immediate response from Sen. Bromski (R - WI) who claimed the featured beverage should be Old Milwaukee™, saying, “it made Milwaukee famous for Christ sake!.” After being censured for taking the Lord’s name in vain, pushing and shoving ensued.

White House officials claim to have been tricked by the Russians after allowing KGB surveillance specialists into the oval office during a meeting with President Donald Trump and Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov and Russian Ambassador to the US Sergey Kislyak. White House  spokesman, Harvey Liesaton, said, “They told us they were Foreign Minister Lavrov’s ‘personal cable guys’, so we really didn’t think anything of it. If they had been honest and told us they were KGB, we may not have let them in there.”

Former intelligence professionals started becoming very alarmed after photos from the oval office started showing up on TASS (the official Russian government controlled news agency.) In many of the pictures, Russians can be seen in the background installing various electronic devices.

An anonymous White House staffer claimed that when they questioned President Trump about allowing the Russian contingent into the meeting, he responded, “Of course, whatever my Russian comrades want.” The White House later feigned outrage, claiming they had been “tricked.”