Trump's Chief of Staff, Mick Mulvaney, announced today that all world leaders attending next June's G7 meeting at Doral will be upgraded to an Ambassador suite at no cost, by simply attending a 45 minute timeshare presentation. Mulvaney went on to say, "Clearly, President Trump is not going to receive any monetary gain by hosting the G7 conference. These upgrades are worth $300 a night, and the attendees will be getting them for free. President Trump will probably lose money because of his immense generosity." When asked if the mandatory attendance of the presentation constituted quid pro quo, Mulvaney responded, "of course it does, this is how we always operate." Mulvaney later walked back this statement, saying he thought "quid pro quo" was Latin for "absolutely free."
White House officials claim to have been tricked by the Russians after allowing KGB surveillance specialists into the oval office during a meeting with President Donald Trump and Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov and Russian Ambassador to the US Sergey Kislyak. White House spokesman, Harvey Liesaton, said, “They told us they were Foreign Minister Lavrov’s ‘personal cable guys’, so we really didn’t think anything of it. If they had been honest and told us they were KGB, we may not have let them in there.”
Former intelligence professionals started becoming very alarmed after photos from the oval office started showing up on TASS (the official Russian government controlled news agency.) In many of the pictures, Russians can be seen in the background installing various electronic devices.
An anonymous White House staffer claimed that when they questioned President Trump about allowing the Russian contingent into the meeting, he responded, “Of course, whatever my Russian comrades want.” The White House later feigned outrage, claiming they had been “tricked.”
Columbus, Ohio - Lawyers for the terrorist group ISIS today filed suit in federal district court alleging the the RNC platform committee lifted much of the Republican platform directly from their website. ISIS lawyer, Haider Salami said, “We understand the anti-gay rhetoric, that’s ‘hate-group 101’, we all use that, but the document on a whole so closely mimics our platform, that it’s almost inconceivable that they didn’t copy it directly from our web site. And it states clearly at the bottom of our site, ‘All material copyright © ISIS 2016’. This is a clear violation of international copyright law.”