President Trump Announces Plan to Replace Obamacare with "Miracle" Elixir

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Making good on his promise of a new healthcare plan to replace Obamacare, today President Trump released details of his own plan, featuring a "miracle" cure-all elixir.

Under the new plan, people will no longer be covered by government subsidized insurance or expanded medicare, but will be able to buy bottles of Rube-i-tussin™ Freedom-Care elixir for a deeply discounted price of $999.99 a bottle. In a press conference, President Trump claimed, "The new elixir will do everything Obamacare did and much, much more!" the president went on to say, "Why don't take my word for it folks, step right up and see for yourself. It cures Arrhythmia, cancer, Kung-flu, smallpox, gunshots, gingivitis, lumbago, atheism, tonsillitis, liberal bias, malaria, ulcers, diarrhea, toothaches, Islam, fallen arches, herpes, homosexuality, lymphoma, boils, constipation, nearsightedness, farsightedness, hangnails, broken bones, colitis...why folks I could go on all night, but it's time to get the government out of your doctor's office and fix all that ails you with a nice fresh bottle of Rube-i-tussin™ (now with bleach.)" 

Lindsey Graham (R - SC) later brought up a ruddy-faced child he introduced as "Timmy" who appeared to have a severe double-case of pinkeye, to whom he promptly administered two teaspoons of Rube-i-tussin™. The child was later brought back with what appeared to be a slightly improved double-case of pinkeye.

The plan also budgets $20 million to sponsor a roll-out of the plan throughout the country. The roll-out, dubbed by President Trump as "The Dr. Trump Traveling Medicine Show", will travel throughout the U.S. selling bottles of the elixir to citizens in need of healthcare. President Trump proudly displayed an artist's rendition of the "medicine wagon" that will travel around the country. The wagon will be pulled by 12 white horses draped in American flags and be piloted by Don Jr. and Eric Trump festooned in rhinestone adorned white cowboy outfits . The wagon itself will be brightly painted with gilded lettering and provide capacity for 600 cases of the new elixir.

President Trump added, “Of course the tremendous elixir will be available to people with per-existing conditions as well, possibly at a 10% discount. The bill still needs congressional approval to become law, but President Trump has indicated he can enact it by executive order if needed.

Last modified on 09-24-2020