New York - A new poll from Monolith Polling suggests that despite Sanders’ endorsement of Clinton, Sanders’ supporters have moved on to the “next big thing”, and she will get very little help from them in November. 

Only 1% of those 35 or younger, identifying themselves as “Sanders’ supporters”, said they would vote for Clinton in November. 95% of them said they would not vote at all and would instead be playing Pokémon GO. 

The Clinton campaign announced a major rebranding after Hillary's devastating loss in New Hampshire. The Clinton campaign is now going to re-focus on the youth vote and her perceived strength with African-American voters. After adopting all of Sanders' policy positions as her own without results, the campaign has opted for more drastic measures.

The campaign has brought on rap producer Jerome "Biggie" Grimes to help work on Clinton's image. Gone are the pant suits, replaced by an entire new "youthful" look, including hip clothes, tattoos and dreadlocked hair. Clinton has worked tirelessly with image coaches to hone her new image. Clinton campaign rallies now exude a whole new vibe, including opening them to the sounds of Nas' rap anthem, "Hate Me Now". 

When asked about the new image, Clinton remarked, "Hey dude, call me "Hills". If the kids don't dig me, that's cool, I still gots (sic) their backs. We're gonna connects (sic) with my brothers and sisters more on that Facebookie thingy and other fashizzle. I thinks (sic) once they gets (sic) to knows (sic) me, they's (sic) gonna like me better than that square, Sanders."

Early response to the new tone of the campaign has been guarded. At a campaign event this morning in Greenville, SC., the crowd stared in stunned disbelief as "Hills" concluded her stump speech with a mic drop echoing through the otherwise silent gymnasium.

In what would seem early even in the crazy world of cable news, CNN announced today that they have called the Democratic primary race for Hillary Clinton. This is somewhat surprising since the Democratic convention is still over six months away and not a single vote has been cast. 

In off-air comments, anchor Wolf Blitzer said, “In this dog eat dog news world, you have to be bold to beat the competition, and let’s face it — we’ve had Clinton as the de facto winner for over three years now; we’d look pretty silly if she wasn’t declared the winner. I wanted to call it after Biden dropped out.”

Presidential Candidate Bernie Sanders today unveiled his “evil weather changing plot” that he will unleash on the earth should he lose the Democratic primary. 

Suggesting that he’s been treated less than fairly by the DNC, with minimal debates and with those debates strategically placed during low viewership times, Sanders has vowed to wreak havoc on the world if he loses, unless the United Nations pays him “ONE MILLION DOLLARS”.

With public outrage growing over the Benghazi committee, which has gone on longer than the Watergate committee and has cost taxpayers in excess of $5 million, and has now been exposed by House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) as simply a scheme to politically ruin Hillary Clinton, GOP leaders are forming a new committee to decide on the focus for a post-Benghazi committee.