Trump's Chief of Staff, Mick Mulvaney, announced today that all world leaders attending next June's G7 meeting at Doral will be upgraded to an Ambassador suite at no cost, by simply attending a 45 minute timeshare presentation. Mulvaney went on to say, "Clearly, President Trump is not going to receive any monetary gain by hosting the G7 conference. These upgrades are worth $300 a night, and the attendees will be getting them for free. President Trump will probably lose money because of his immense generosity." When asked if the mandatory attendance of the presentation constituted quid pro quo, Mulvaney responded, "of course it does, this is how we always operate." Mulvaney later walked back this statement, saying he thought "quid pro quo" was Latin for "absolutely free."

White House officials claim to have been tricked by the Russians after allowing KGB surveillance specialists into the oval office during a meeting with President Donald Trump and Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov and Russian Ambassador to the US Sergey Kislyak. White House  spokesman, Harvey Liesaton, said, “They told us they were Foreign Minister Lavrov’s ‘personal cable guys’, so we really didn’t think anything of it. If they had been honest and told us they were KGB, we may not have let them in there.”

Former intelligence professionals started becoming very alarmed after photos from the oval office started showing up on TASS (the official Russian government controlled news agency.) In many of the pictures, Russians can be seen in the background installing various electronic devices.

An anonymous White House staffer claimed that when they questioned President Trump about allowing the Russian contingent into the meeting, he responded, “Of course, whatever my Russian comrades want.” The White House later feigned outrage, claiming they had been “tricked.”

President-elect Trump has decided to auction off his remaining cabinet positions and ambassadorships on eBay to raise money for the Trump Foundation. Eric Trump, who is a real whiz with eBay, loaded all the 420 remaining positions on eBay for his Dad. Bidding has been brisk, with the Tahitian ambassadorship holding the highest bid so far at $899,000.00.

Trump spokesperson, Anita Borshun, said, “Mr. Trump has grown bored with the whole process, and he’s already given positions to all his major donors that wanted one, so now he figures why not raise some quick cash. He had no idea there were so many cushy jobs to give away.”

After scrambling to find people willing to speak at the GOP Convention in Cleveland, the Trump campaign today released a list of scheduled speakers. Trump tweeted, "I think everyone will be quite amazed at the really great lineup I've put together for the convention #bringcheckbook." 

NEW YORK — MSNBC today announced that they will rebranding their popular morning show, "morning joe", to "morning trump". Vice-president of programming, Arnold Putz said, "The new name will more accurately represent to our viewers the content of the show. The show's format will more or less stay the same — 100% coverage of Donald Trump — only now, Mika will be gagged to prevent her from blurting out stuff about that old jewish guy. What's his name? Flanders?"

In an interview on the PBS News Hour, reporter Fred Harken asked Republican candidate Donald Trump how he could justify the expense of a Mexican border wall when new Pew data clearly shows that Mexicans are actually leaving the US and not coming in — Mr. Trump surprised him by showing remarkable candor, saying, "Look Fred, I'm going to tell you something I probably shouldn't, but no one watches your stupid channel anyhow. I'm not building a wall to keep Mexicans out...that's just the story for the dummies voting. I'm building the wall to keep them in. Have you ever tried to run a hotel with white people? Christ...Americans are lazy assholes, I'd be out of business in 10 minutes if I didn't have all these Mexicans to keep my hotels cleaned and maintained. Damn those people work like fiends for peanuts. If you're white...a guy like Gary Busey can become a rich celebrity. So you can imagine the ignoramuses I'd be dealing with trying to staff my businesses with Americans?" Trump went on, "And it's not just me Fred, I talk to a lot of farmers...farmers love me... well you know that, everyone loves me. They say, 'Mr. Trump, what are you doing? You're going to put us out of business with that wall.' I just give them a little wink and and a nod, and tell them not to worry. They get it. It's only all the other dummies that I tell it's to keep them out." 

The new report from Pew Research clearly shows that Trump has reason to be worried. Net immigration from Mexico since 2009 was negative 140,000.

After Fox News' first GOP Presidential debate devolved into nothing more than two hours of each candidate making outlandish claims about how big a wall they would build and how many abortions they would prevent, CNN was scrambling to provide a format for the next debate that would produce more substantive results. They stole a page right from Fox's own playbook, copying the format of Fox's hit show, Are Your Smarter Than a 5th Grader. Last night's debate, moderated by Jeff Foxworthy, featured the GOP candidates debating precocious 5th graders (or 3rd graders in the earlier debate for the candidates that did not make the top 11.)