Washington, D.C. - On the heels of electing the first black president, the United States has knocked down another barrier by electing the world’s first internet troll, Donald J. Trump, to head of state. Della Katflour, spokesperson for the ACLU said, “This is a great day for what has been a long stigmatized element of our society. I think we will see internet trolls everywhere coming out of the darkness of their parent’s basements and proudly tweeting in the light of day.”

Cleveland is planning to pollute and set on fire the Cuyahoga River to coincide with the Republican National Convention in July. The polluting and subsequent igniting of the river will be used to celebrate and symbolize the GOP’s determination to eliminate the EPA (or as Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump calls it, “The Department of Environment.”)

Earlier this week, Cleveland’s Department of Public Works started dumping toxic sludge and oil into the river. Department head, Ernesto Juarez estimated that it would take several months of intensive dumping to have the river to flammable level by the time of the convention.

Complaining that the NFL's efforts to protect its players has made the sport boring and unsuitable for satisfying the blood lust of Americans, he has promised to bring back Gladiator battles if elected. Trump promised, "The NFL has gone soft like America. In view of the Whitehouse, I will build the greatest colosseum the world has ever seen, and on those sands I will provide our once great country with the blood sports they deserve."

In a press conference today, Donald Trump unveiled the design for the wall he plans to build on the Mexican border. He announced, "This will be the greatest wall in the history of the universe. This wall will let the world know that we will not be kicked around any more. I will make America great again. If you elect me, I will build this wall and keep you safe from rapists, drug addicts, murderers and terrorists."

During a campaign event in Charleston, SC today, Donald Trump promised, if elected, he would provide a luxury penthouse to all white families. His speech started with his normal fare, promising to build a giant wall along our southern border and have Mexico pay for it, deporting 10 million illegal immigrants, bombing ISIS to kingdom come and taking and keeping their oil, and barring all Muslims from entering the country. At this point, Trump seemed to sense a lack of excitement in the crowd and quickly transitioned to outlining his new housing plan: