Sacramento, California - In another setback for Elon Musk and Tesla, one of their new Model X vehicles transformed into a car crushing robot and tore a Hummer in half, instantly killing the douche bag inside. Apparently, the driver of the Tesla, Herbert Lutz pressed the “revenge” button on the Tesla’s instrument panel. Lutz said, “I know I wasn’t supposed to touch that button — they had told me it was in beta testing, but I always wondered what it did. So when this a-hole in a gas-guzzling Hummer cut me off, forcing auto-pilot to slam on the brakes, curiosity got the better of me. I thought it would yell at him or something, I had no idea it would lead to all this trouble.”
Elon Musk sloughed it off, saying, “That feature is in beta, and we haven’t worked out all the bugs yet. All owners are forced to sign a waiver stating that they won’t touch that button till it is released from beta.”
Coming on the heels of a fatal accident while a model S was in auto-pilot, Wall Street is expected to punish Tesla stock (TSLA) and then have it go back to where it was the next day. The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) is investigating the attack.
Trump's Chief of Staff, Mick Mulvaney, announced today that all world leaders attending next June's G7 meeting at Doral will be upgraded to an Ambassador suite at no cost, by simply attending a 45 minute timeshare presentation. Mulvaney went on to say, "Clearly, President Trump is not going to receive any monetary gain by hosting the G7 conference. These upgrades are worth $300 a night, and the attendees will be getting them for free. President Trump will probably lose money because of his immense generosity." When asked if the mandatory attendance of the presentation constituted quid pro quo, Mulvaney responded, "of course it does, this is how we always operate." Mulvaney later walked back this statement, saying he thought "quid pro quo" was Latin for "absolutely free." 
