Trump to Replace Period with Exclamation Point by Executive Order Featured

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President-elect Trump announced today, that once in office, his first act will be to pass an executive order officially replacing the period with the exclamation mark as the grammatically correct way to end all sentences. Much of President-elect Trump's time lately has been increasingly devoted to Twitter wars with "grammar Nazis" who have criticized him for the overuse of exclamation marks.

Trump told reporters, "Periods are for low-energy people! I'm not going to spend my presidency arguing about punctuation! I graduated magma comma laundry (sic) from Wharton, I don't need some loser English professor from Bumfuck State University making $40k a year telling me what punctuation marks to use!"

Constitutional scholars seem unsure about the legality of such an executive order. Professor Gilbert Shutin, of Columbia University said, "There is no mention of government mandated changes to established grammatical norms in the Constitution or even The Federalist Papers, and as far as I know, there are not even any uses of exclamation points in these documents.  There is certainly no precedent of any other president attempting to make laws pertaining to grammar."

When questioned on her opinion, presumptive secretary of education, Betsy DeVos responded, "Of course, as good Americans, we'll do whatever our president suggests. As far as I'm concerned, the period will soon go the way of the dodo and common core."

The largest outcry has come from keyboard manufacturers. Sterling Tapski, CEO of Input Devices, Inc., told reporters, "This is ridiculous! We'll be forced to rearrange the keyboard layout of all our input devices. With the Christmas shopping season upon us, our sales will be decimated by this uncertainty. Consumers are sure to hold off purchases of new keyboards, knowing that the most common punctuation mark may be in the most inconvenient spot until the layout is changed."


Last modified on 11-28-2016