Republicans Pass Bill to Repeal and Replace Obamacare with "Miracle" Elixir

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Making good on his promise to repeal and replace Obamacare, today Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan proudly announced that Congress has passed a bill repealing Obamacare and replacing it with their own newly formulated "miracle" cure-all elixir.

Under the new bill, people will no longer be covered by government subsidised insurance or expanded medicare, but will be able to buy bottles of Rube-i-tussin™ Freedom-Care elixir for a deeply discounted price of $999.99 a bottle. In a press conference, Ryan claimed, "The new elixir will do everything Obamacare did and much, much more!" Ryan went on to say, "Why don't take my word for it folks, step right up and see for yourself. It cures Arrhythmias, cancers, smallpox, gingivitis, lumbago, tonsillitis, liberal bias, malaria, ulcers, diarrhea, toothaches, Islam, fallen arches, herpes, homosexuality, lymphoma, boils, constipation, near-sightedness, far-sightedness, hangnails, broken bones, colitis...why folks I could go on all night, but it's time to get the government out of your doctor's office and fix all that ails you with a nice fresh bottle of Rube-i-tussin™."

Trey Gowdy (R - SC) later brought up a ruddy-faced child he introduced as "Timmy" who appeared to have a severe double-case of pinkeye, to whom he promptly administered two teaspoons of Rube-i-tussin™.  The child was later brought back with what appeared to be a slightly improved double-case of pinkeye. 

The bill also budgets $5 million to sponsor a roll-out of the plan throughout the country. The roll-out, dubbed by Ryan as "The GOP Travelling Medicine Show", will travel throughout the U.S. selling bottles of the elixir to citizens in need of healthcare. Republican leaders proudly displayed an artist's rendition of the "medicine wagon" various Republicans will travel around the country in. The wagon will be pulled by 12 white horses draped in American flags. The wagon itself will be brightly painted with gilded lettering and provide capacity for 600 cases of the new elixir.

Of course the bill still needs Obama's signature to become law, and it remains doubtful that he will sign a bill repealing his own signature legislation. Ryan seemed unfazed, saying, "We think once he tries the new elixir he'll see the error of his ways, and sign the bill."


Last modified on 01-11-2016