President-elect Trump has selected Governor Chris Christie to head the new “Food Security Department.” Christie’s responsibilities will entail trying all President Trump’s food before it is given to the president. 

President-elect Trump said, “Chris is a great man. He is uniquely qualified for this position...he’s fiercely loyal, has an insatiable appetite, and he’s expendable.”

Columbus, Ohio - Lawyers for the terrorist group ISIS today filed suit in federal district court alleging the the RNC platform committee lifted much of the Republican platform directly from their website. ISIS lawyer, Haider Salami said, “We understand the anti-gay rhetoric, that’s ‘hate-group 101’, we all use that, but the document on a whole so closely mimics our platform, that it’s almost inconceivable that they didn’t copy it directly from our web site. And it states clearly at the bottom of our site, ‘All material copyright © ISIS 2016’. This is a clear violation of international copyright law.” 

Cleveland is planning to pollute and set on fire the Cuyahoga River to coincide with the Republican National Convention in July. The polluting and subsequent igniting of the river will be used to celebrate and symbolize the GOP’s determination to eliminate the EPA (or as Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump calls it, “The Department of Environment.”)

Earlier this week, Cleveland’s Department of Public Works started dumping toxic sludge and oil into the river. Department head, Ernesto Juarez estimated that it would take several months of intensive dumping to have the river to flammable level by the time of the convention.

The Clinton campaign announced a major rebranding after Hillary's devastating loss in New Hampshire. The Clinton campaign is now going to re-focus on the youth vote and her perceived strength with African-American voters. After adopting all of Sanders' policy positions as her own without results, the campaign has opted for more drastic measures.

The campaign has brought on rap producer Jerome "Biggie" Grimes to help work on Clinton's image. Gone are the pant suits, replaced by an entire new "youthful" look, including hip clothes, tattoos and dreadlocked hair. Clinton has worked tirelessly with image coaches to hone her new image. Clinton campaign rallies now exude a whole new vibe, including opening them to the sounds of Nas' rap anthem, "Hate Me Now". 

When asked about the new image, Clinton remarked, "Hey dude, call me "Hills". If the kids don't dig me, that's cool, I still gots (sic) their backs. We're gonna connects (sic) with my brothers and sisters more on that Facebookie thingy and other fashizzle. I thinks (sic) once they gets (sic) to knows (sic) me, they's (sic) gonna like me better than that square, Sanders."

Early response to the new tone of the campaign has been guarded. At a campaign event this morning in Greenville, SC., the crowd stared in stunned disbelief as "Hills" concluded her stump speech with a mic drop echoing through the otherwise silent gymnasium.

Complaining that the NFL's efforts to protect its players has made the sport boring and unsuitable for satisfying the blood lust of Americans, he has promised to bring back Gladiator battles if elected. Trump promised, "The NFL has gone soft like America. In view of the Whitehouse, I will build the greatest colosseum the world has ever seen, and on those sands I will provide our once great country with the blood sports they deserve."